So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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