Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize