My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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