I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
