I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think I won the penis lottery.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize