the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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