can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
