She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
