there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
