All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize