Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
