Your dad touched me again.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
