there's paper in my vomit.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
this will be a night to untag.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
