I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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