we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
false alarm, still single
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
