so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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