Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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