My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
