Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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