I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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