There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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