just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
