I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
