my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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