My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I need a burrito and a hug.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Randomize
