Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
