Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
