Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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