ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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