he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
