I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
