I think I am morally bankrupt
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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