He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
