just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
