____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
