I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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