totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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