I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
