she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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