I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
