were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
