I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
