i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
my poor anus
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
