I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
