Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
