I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
