Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
