my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
