My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
