you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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