I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
