I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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