Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
3 2 1 whiskey
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
