Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
