first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
