im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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